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STUMP! Episode 5: Second Elimination!

22 Aug 2012

The White House Mates face their second elimination. Who goes home? Who remains?

 


The Dark Knight: A conspiracy?.. Rush to get Batman!

19 Jul 2012

Jamie Dimon on the LIBOR rate-rigging scandal: How do you like me now?

I’d tell you my real name, but then the FBI, Illuminati and Weight Watchers would be able to find me.
They’re all working together to run the world, you know…

Rush Limbaugh has a new conspiracy theory:

“The Dark Knight Rises”, that new Batman movie? Yeah, that’s just anti-Romney propaganda…

Check this out:

Okay, the CRIMINALS in the movie are targeting RICH people!!

That’s obviously a coded message for socialism, right??

And this movie’s been in the works for like 3 or 4 years. Right: how long has Obama been in office?

And get this, get this, according to Rush: The main villain is a guy named “Bane.” Well, there you go: Romney’s old company was named Bain Capital.

Dude! How did they KNOW 20 years ago that Romney was going to run for President!? It’s a conspiracy, Man!

Rush, Man, whatever’s in that Oxycontin: keep taking it, Brother. We need you to tell us about the conspiracies!


This Year’s Miss Universe Could be an ex-Dude

11 Apr 2012

“The Donald” Trump allows transgender contestant Jenna Talackova to vie for the crown. (But only after a fuss).

The Clash of the Sash all started when it was discovered that Canadian hottie Jenna Talackova had actually been born Walter. According to pageant rules, women must be “natural born girls” and Miss Talackova’s alleged lie about her gender on her entry form, as well as her/his birth with alien body parts made her, The Donald claimed, ineligible to be Miss President of the Miss Universe. The Donald insisted on seeing her long form birth certificate, as well as naked pictures of her as a baby, which she had to go all the way to Hawaii to get. (Or are we thinking of Obama?)
After hiring celebrity attorney Gloria Allred (possibly a dude herself?), The Donald relented and came to the decision that Miss Talackova has the sufficient hotness to compete in the race to the White House… um… we mean pageant. However, refusing to admit defeat (or any kind of humanity), Mr. Trump went down swinging. “Gloria Allred would be impressed with the size of my penis,” he proudly proclaimed. Perhaps Mr. Trump likes men after all… former men… whatever. We, on the other hand are simply impressed with the size of Trump’s head. “Which head?” you ask? Which head do you think! (And put your pinkie fingers away!)

Blago’s Blogo

15 Mar 2012

Governor who tried to sell Obama’s senate seat now has soap reserved for him in the shower.

We here at Dog News were lucky enough to come across Blagojevich’s made up blog. See below.

Blago’s Blog, Star date 15 March 2012
On this, the Ides of March, as part of my important and ongoing duties as the life-long governor of Illinois, I, Rod Blagojevich boarded a plane to take me to the Federal Correctional Institution Englewood in suburban Denver. I left with a heavy heart, a clear conscience, and not a hair out of place, as I blew kisses to my well wishers.
I have selflessly allowed the nation to think the worst of me in order to save the great state of Illinois. At Englewood, I will brave the harsh conditions to go under cover and expose the outrageous perks all those white collar criminals receive: 0% unemployment, square meals, and free soap from your cell mate. I shall bend this corruption over a table and spank it out of existence. Then I’ll sell the table to the highest bidder.

By the time I am through in 14 1/2 years, I will so thoroughly understand the minds of the Coloradans, that they will never be able to invade the great state of Illinois! Signing off for now. You haven’t heard the last of me.

-Illinois long-suffering Superhero,

Rod Blagojevich


Rush Limbaugh Puppet Show Not for Kids

5 Mar 2012

Or simply Birth Control: The Musical